Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

for any Grey's anatomy fans, you got to remember that episode when Meredith pulled Derek away in the scrub room to say these famous six words.

i find myself in a similar position with yet another scene in a movie. once again i find myself being the girl who waits for the guy to give her some sort of answer after opening all her cards.
i find myself asking the same question for the millionth time, "can i really compete for him?"

i tried to look for a happy tale to tell after the recent absent on blog-posting. but i'm afraid i could only find this tearful one.

first of all, i must confess, my love-life is not like the ones you wish was yours. almost-relationships after almost-relationships passed in and out of my life, one after the other leaving me and my heart more tainted as it already is.
now, i find myself in a familiar situation yet again. this time i really hope -though my hopes are set on low- that i don't get hurt once again. cause i truly don't think i could handle more damage.

my fear of losing this certain someone, brought unexpected tears to my cheeks. tears that fell from remembering that i may not mean much to him as he means to me, from realizing the truth, that i am not as pretty as the other girls he knows, i am as popular as the other girls he knows, i am not the kind of girl that boys like him -or any boy for that matter- fall for, and i don't think i can compete -or even find the strength to compete- for him. even though i must say this, he is the first guy that makes me want to be perfect for, he's the first guy i want my father(s) to have dinner with, he's the first guy i stay up til 4 o'clock in the morning just to say "hello" online, and he's the first guy i want to cook dinner for.
my almost-relationship with him scares me so much. the things i do and don't do, may sometime seem absolutely lunatic. i don't want to text him a lot cause I'm scared I'll suffocate him, but on the other hand I'm afraid if i don't text him, he'll be texting another girl. i wait just a little longer to go to school just to be a little late so i can arrive when he does. i even read about his hobbies and interests just so i can have something to talk about with him.
he has successfully conquered my world. and I'm terrified as hell if he decides to set me free.

like i said, i have been completely damaged. if this almost-relationship fails again, i seriously do not know what will become of me.

I'm in a rut. It seems like I've written myself into a corner.

not that anyone really reads my blog, but I feel like its my responsibility to myself to update my blog, since its the one place I really pour my thoughts in.
so, I'm gonna try my best to find something to write on the next post.

wish me love :)

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And I'm searching for the words inside my head

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

Avril Lavigne sang this in her first album. I totally loved it. Even so, the song wasn't quite a hit like Complicated or S8r Boi.

anyway, the song really catches how i feel these days. especially when i am with that certain person who has filling my melancholic days with laughter.

to you (i think you know who you are),
thank you.

'The sun that shines from heaven shines but warm,
And, lo, I lie between that sun and thee:
The heat I have from thence doth little harm,
Thine eye darts forth the fire that burneth me;
And were I not immortal, life were done
Between this heavenly and earthly sun.

this is a part from the poem by Sir William Shakespeare, which i truly admirer. how the meaning (to me at least) is about how being with thy lover can be deadly. the feeling of happiness that appears is uncontrollable that all you can do i just let go. and by letting go, there is the chance that you can loose yourself as well. the poem itself can be translated into vulgarization of two lovers, and yet it can also be translated as a journey to find love inside lust itself. as quoted in this part:

'Love comforteth like sunshine after rain,
But Lust's effect is tempest after sun;
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,
Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done;
Love surfeits not, Lust like a glutton dies;
Love is all truth, Lust full of forged lies.

for there is a difference in the similarities of lust and love, and how only those whom has experienced both can see. an experience for i have yet to find.

with this i bid adieu, for i hast to shed slumber before the sun peeks an this day:)

Yet, another melancholic tune.

Sweet is my sorrow, mourning about what remains of our time together. Time flies as quick as the shooting star which shines above in the sky tonight. But we have yet to reach that point of no return.
You, Me, Us, We, that is all that matters. They, Her, Him, He, She, on the other side, does not understand the little things that mean the world to us.


The silly names, unimportant conversations, and all the doodles in between, are our most valuable treasure. This connection between us, is undetectable to them. And when we are together, the rest seems invisible.

To all best friends around the world, this love is yours!

Dear you,

I have nothing to give to you, no jewels or gold, let alone the world she has given you. I understand how much she is a part of your life, how she was your heroine, your leading lady. And I, couldn't even afford to try to compare myself in your eyes. She can offer you the world on a gold platter, while I can only offer to you this, my heart, not on a gold plate, not even silver. But my heart, if you wish, will beat its last rhythm, bleed its last drop, or even just stay still, for you if you ask it. So here I am, just a girl, writing a love letter, to the person she loves, asking him to love her.
Yes, I maybe nothing compared to her, your history with her may have gone way back, and you might just see me as a friend (it wont be the first for me). But I truly felt a spark between us, whether it was in the car ride last month, at that park last week, or in and between classes yesterday, I saw some kind of ignition in your eyes, I just hope you felt it, too. Even so, whatever choice you make, I will still be here, as a friend, or as anything you want.







Yours, me.*





* a fictional love letter written by my alter ego