you broke my heart, unintentionally.

i made my mistake when i listened to Jimmie cricket. i found the truth that broke me into pieces.
this may not be the first time for me, but it still burns inside me like a newly healed scar still band aided, ripped opened tearing off more from what was there before.
when you said there is an "us", you forgot to mention that there still is another "us" which i am not a part of.
im letting you go now, i hope this is the right choice. i wish you happiness.

i wont be Pinocchio and lie, saying i am fine. cause im not. not at all. but perhaps a little nose job wont be too bad, as long as you're smiling.

this goes out to my everythings at Gonzaga College.

i haven't forgotten anyone of you. perhaps a name or two has slipped in my memories from two years ago, but i still remain to remember our days together. the silliness we've went through, even the conflicts too.
i apologize if i offend you for not coming over as much as i intended to. but as life goes, we all know nothing works out according to plan. i look at your pictures this past year almost everyday. it burns my heart cause i couldn't and wouldn't be apart of those smiles and laughter you share.

i miss you, i miss that school -no, its not just a school, its a place to call home-

not that im not happy with what i have, who i am with and where i am now, cause i am happy, very happy indeed, but i do still miss you, and i'll always will.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

for any Grey's anatomy fans, you got to remember that episode when Meredith pulled Derek away in the scrub room to say these famous six words.

i find myself in a similar position with yet another scene in a movie. once again i find myself being the girl who waits for the guy to give her some sort of answer after opening all her cards.
i find myself asking the same question for the millionth time, "can i really compete for him?"

i tried to look for a happy tale to tell after the recent absent on blog-posting. but i'm afraid i could only find this tearful one.

first of all, i must confess, my love-life is not like the ones you wish was yours. almost-relationships after almost-relationships passed in and out of my life, one after the other leaving me and my heart more tainted as it already is.
now, i find myself in a familiar situation yet again. this time i really hope -though my hopes are set on low- that i don't get hurt once again. cause i truly don't think i could handle more damage.

my fear of losing this certain someone, brought unexpected tears to my cheeks. tears that fell from remembering that i may not mean much to him as he means to me, from realizing the truth, that i am not as pretty as the other girls he knows, i am as popular as the other girls he knows, i am not the kind of girl that boys like him -or any boy for that matter- fall for, and i don't think i can compete -or even find the strength to compete- for him. even though i must say this, he is the first guy that makes me want to be perfect for, he's the first guy i want my father(s) to have dinner with, he's the first guy i stay up til 4 o'clock in the morning just to say "hello" online, and he's the first guy i want to cook dinner for.
my almost-relationship with him scares me so much. the things i do and don't do, may sometime seem absolutely lunatic. i don't want to text him a lot cause I'm scared I'll suffocate him, but on the other hand I'm afraid if i don't text him, he'll be texting another girl. i wait just a little longer to go to school just to be a little late so i can arrive when he does. i even read about his hobbies and interests just so i can have something to talk about with him.
he has successfully conquered my world. and I'm terrified as hell if he decides to set me free.

like i said, i have been completely damaged. if this almost-relationship fails again, i seriously do not know what will become of me.

I'm in a rut. It seems like I've written myself into a corner.

not that anyone really reads my blog, but I feel like its my responsibility to myself to update my blog, since its the one place I really pour my thoughts in.
so, I'm gonna try my best to find something to write on the next post.

wish me love :)

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And I'm searching for the words inside my head

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

Avril Lavigne sang this in her first album. I totally loved it. Even so, the song wasn't quite a hit like Complicated or S8r Boi.

anyway, the song really catches how i feel these days. especially when i am with that certain person who has filling my melancholic days with laughter.

to you (i think you know who you are),
thank you.

'The sun that shines from heaven shines but warm,
And, lo, I lie between that sun and thee:
The heat I have from thence doth little harm,
Thine eye darts forth the fire that burneth me;
And were I not immortal, life were done
Between this heavenly and earthly sun.

this is a part from the poem by Sir William Shakespeare, which i truly admirer. how the meaning (to me at least) is about how being with thy lover can be deadly. the feeling of happiness that appears is uncontrollable that all you can do i just let go. and by letting go, there is the chance that you can loose yourself as well. the poem itself can be translated into vulgarization of two lovers, and yet it can also be translated as a journey to find love inside lust itself. as quoted in this part:

'Love comforteth like sunshine after rain,
But Lust's effect is tempest after sun;
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,
Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done;
Love surfeits not, Lust like a glutton dies;
Love is all truth, Lust full of forged lies.

for there is a difference in the similarities of lust and love, and how only those whom has experienced both can see. an experience for i have yet to find.

with this i bid adieu, for i hast to shed slumber before the sun peeks an this day:)