these two countries have both been big parts of my life. and them fighting now, breaks me to pieces because i cannot choose one or the other.

i seriously don't see why war is necessary between these beautiful countries.
yes, i admit that Malaysia has made a few mistakes, but hasn't Indonesia made mistakes too in the past? and yes, to many Indonesians, Malaysians has no self integrity. but what is the difference between us and them if we Indonesians cannot show them an example ourselves?

reading the written text above, you may think i am siding with Malaysia, but that is not true. i truly love my country, Indonesia, but if it comes to war, i'd rather not take any side. because war, is not in my dictionary. there isn't any good to come from war, win or lose, everyone gets hurt.

why can't we just live in harmony?

you broke my heart, unintentionally.

i made my mistake when i listened to Jimmie cricket. i found the truth that broke me into pieces.
this may not be the first time for me, but it still burns inside me like a newly healed scar still band aided, ripped opened tearing off more from what was there before.
when you said there is an "us", you forgot to mention that there still is another "us" which i am not a part of.
im letting you go now, i hope this is the right choice. i wish you happiness.

i wont be Pinocchio and lie, saying i am fine. cause im not. not at all. but perhaps a little nose job wont be too bad, as long as you're smiling.

this goes out to my everythings at Gonzaga College.

i haven't forgotten anyone of you. perhaps a name or two has slipped in my memories from two years ago, but i still remain to remember our days together. the silliness we've went through, even the conflicts too.
i apologize if i offend you for not coming over as much as i intended to. but as life goes, we all know nothing works out according to plan. i look at your pictures this past year almost everyday. it burns my heart cause i couldn't and wouldn't be apart of those smiles and laughter you share.

i miss you, i miss that school -no, its not just a school, its a place to call home-

not that im not happy with what i have, who i am with and where i am now, cause i am happy, very happy indeed, but i do still miss you, and i'll always will.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

for any Grey's anatomy fans, you got to remember that episode when Meredith pulled Derek away in the scrub room to say these famous six words.

i find myself in a similar position with yet another scene in a movie. once again i find myself being the girl who waits for the guy to give her some sort of answer after opening all her cards.
i find myself asking the same question for the millionth time, "can i really compete for him?"

i tried to look for a happy tale to tell after the recent absent on blog-posting. but i'm afraid i could only find this tearful one.

first of all, i must confess, my love-life is not like the ones you wish was yours. almost-relationships after almost-relationships passed in and out of my life, one after the other leaving me and my heart more tainted as it already is.
now, i find myself in a familiar situation yet again. this time i really hope -though my hopes are set on low- that i don't get hurt once again. cause i truly don't think i could handle more damage.

my fear of losing this certain someone, brought unexpected tears to my cheeks. tears that fell from remembering that i may not mean much to him as he means to me, from realizing the truth, that i am not as pretty as the other girls he knows, i am as popular as the other girls he knows, i am not the kind of girl that boys like him -or any boy for that matter- fall for, and i don't think i can compete -or even find the strength to compete- for him. even though i must say this, he is the first guy that makes me want to be perfect for, he's the first guy i want my father(s) to have dinner with, he's the first guy i stay up til 4 o'clock in the morning just to say "hello" online, and he's the first guy i want to cook dinner for.
my almost-relationship with him scares me so much. the things i do and don't do, may sometime seem absolutely lunatic. i don't want to text him a lot cause I'm scared I'll suffocate him, but on the other hand I'm afraid if i don't text him, he'll be texting another girl. i wait just a little longer to go to school just to be a little late so i can arrive when he does. i even read about his hobbies and interests just so i can have something to talk about with him.
he has successfully conquered my world. and I'm terrified as hell if he decides to set me free.

like i said, i have been completely damaged. if this almost-relationship fails again, i seriously do not know what will become of me.

I'm in a rut. It seems like I've written myself into a corner.

not that anyone really reads my blog, but I feel like its my responsibility to myself to update my blog, since its the one place I really pour my thoughts in.
so, I'm gonna try my best to find something to write on the next post.

wish me love :)

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And I'm searching for the words inside my head

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

Avril Lavigne sang this in her first album. I totally loved it. Even so, the song wasn't quite a hit like Complicated or S8r Boi.

anyway, the song really catches how i feel these days. especially when i am with that certain person who has filling my melancholic days with laughter.

to you (i think you know who you are),
thank you.

'The sun that shines from heaven shines but warm,
And, lo, I lie between that sun and thee:
The heat I have from thence doth little harm,
Thine eye darts forth the fire that burneth me;
And were I not immortal, life were done
Between this heavenly and earthly sun.

this is a part from the poem by Sir William Shakespeare, which i truly admirer. how the meaning (to me at least) is about how being with thy lover can be deadly. the feeling of happiness that appears is uncontrollable that all you can do i just let go. and by letting go, there is the chance that you can loose yourself as well. the poem itself can be translated into vulgarization of two lovers, and yet it can also be translated as a journey to find love inside lust itself. as quoted in this part:

'Love comforteth like sunshine after rain,
But Lust's effect is tempest after sun;
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain,
Lust's winter comes ere summer half be done;
Love surfeits not, Lust like a glutton dies;
Love is all truth, Lust full of forged lies.

for there is a difference in the similarities of lust and love, and how only those whom has experienced both can see. an experience for i have yet to find.

with this i bid adieu, for i hast to shed slumber before the sun peeks an this day:)

Yet, another melancholic tune.

Sweet is my sorrow, mourning about what remains of our time together. Time flies as quick as the shooting star which shines above in the sky tonight. But we have yet to reach that point of no return.
You, Me, Us, We, that is all that matters. They, Her, Him, He, She, on the other side, does not understand the little things that mean the world to us.


The silly names, unimportant conversations, and all the doodles in between, are our most valuable treasure. This connection between us, is undetectable to them. And when we are together, the rest seems invisible.

To all best friends around the world, this love is yours!

Dear you,

I have nothing to give to you, no jewels or gold, let alone the world she has given you. I understand how much she is a part of your life, how she was your heroine, your leading lady. And I, couldn't even afford to try to compare myself in your eyes. She can offer you the world on a gold platter, while I can only offer to you this, my heart, not on a gold plate, not even silver. But my heart, if you wish, will beat its last rhythm, bleed its last drop, or even just stay still, for you if you ask it. So here I am, just a girl, writing a love letter, to the person she loves, asking him to love her.
Yes, I maybe nothing compared to her, your history with her may have gone way back, and you might just see me as a friend (it wont be the first for me). But I truly felt a spark between us, whether it was in the car ride last month, at that park last week, or in and between classes yesterday, I saw some kind of ignition in your eyes, I just hope you felt it, too. Even so, whatever choice you make, I will still be here, as a friend, or as anything you want.







Yours, me.*





* a fictional love letter written by my alter ego

This is an event that has traumatized my teenage years. A story which I've never really told anyone, until last night.

It happened on a Saturday, after my Tae-Kwon-Do class. I was 13.
Sitting at the train station near school planning to visit an ill friend. I sat there still in my white robe, listening to music on my Walkman (yes, Walkman). Half an hour past, the train i was waiting for has yet to come. As I sit there, an unfamiliar man entered the station and stared right at me.
Not minding the environment, I kept listening to the rhythm of the music. Moments past and the train hasn't came, the unfamiliar man sat next to me. Shivers ran up and down my spine, realizing that the station was nearly empty.
He began asking me questions, and I, a careless teenager answered without suspecting anything. But then the questions became to wonder and become awkward, personal, and scary. I then knew that I had to get away, unfortunately my train has not arrived.
My heart jumped(not in the good way) when he touched my hair. I tried not to panic, he kept asking questions that were inappropriate,even for mature adults. At the corner of my eye i saw a train pulling in the station, excited at first but the disappointed that it wasn't the train I was waiting for. Yet, I didn't care, I just knew I had to get out of there.
I said a brief goodbye and saw his yellow pupil eyes and dark skin, like a panther waiting to attack a deer. I rushed in the train corridor and sat between an elderly lady and a kid not older looking like my brother.With my feet nearly shaking i almost lost my breath , seeing him still staring at me.
Ten minutes later I got off at the central station, looking around to make sure he didn't follow me. Still shivering with cold sweat, I decided to grab a cab instead. I got to my friend's apartment with relief.
The next day, my heart jumped again like it did at the station, seeing his face in an article, on a wanted list, for sex predators.

Years has past since that day, but I still can remember how he stared at e with his yellow eyes, black skin, and low pitched voice.
But no, I am not trying to be a racist or anything, but since that day happened, I get scared and try as much as I can to avoid dark men.

have you ever felt as if you were a fish in a bowl?

when everything you do and give your most into it, but you still find yourself at the same place. and even if you go a different way, you still manage to bring yourself in circles?
the sights i saw, the scents i smelt, the flavors i tasted, the objects i touched, as contrast it maybe to the stuff before, it all seems the same to me.

baby jesse le feur lacy

born 25 april 2009, 05.35am 2,995kg 45cm with coral blue eyes



my brother is born, and i wasn't there.

Dear, God, angels, friends, family, readers, writers, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers.

Please join me in my prayers for my newborn baby brother, who has a complication in his breathing. cause if anything happens to him, i have no one to blame other than myself.

truly humble, yours.

it was soo fun! i already can smile by looking at the pictures taken :) like i said, i have a thing for fish, fishermen too ;)

anyway here are some of the pics!



piranha dan ikan krapu xD



foto foto ini diambil oleh mas-mas seaworld:)


more pics at FB!

today, i really fucked up. i Shenntyara, have failed to be a daughter for my mother.

it only took a blue fish stamp on my left hand and 16 years of living, to disappoint my mother so much that in her eyes, i am nothing more than a big fat bundle f lies and deceit. yes, i deceived her. i lied to my pregnant mother about not having an one week holiday.

the thing that fucked everything up? she found out. i don't know how, or who told her. but she found out. and now, i live like a fucking prisoner to my own family. no more friends, no more skating, no more going out, no more birthdays, no more anything. to still be allowed to breathe, is a privilege i am grateful of.

on this Tuesday night, i am bored. so i decide to -for the 100th time- watch titanic. while Rose stands on her toes, i draw on MSN. here are thie pics :)



with tiye




one with detta,




and then this is another one with Detta ,

i have a thing for sharks. since i was a little girl watching JAWS on VCR with my grandpapa, i just loved them. not like any other 4 year old who got scared. i on the other hand fell in love with the idea of swimming with them. i took diving lessons but never got to the point of really swimming with them.

as soon as i found out that i could swim in the big tanks at Sea World, i got excited! reaaaaaally excited! but the chance has yet come.
orcourse 12 years has flew by but not a day has past that i have not want to swim there.

today, after (not)sleeping over at Norman's house. i waited for my bus home since my driver wasn't available to pick me up. with my head slightly woozy and a cup of coffee in my hands, a middle-aged man greeted me in English and as we waited he told me about how he learned English himself after a brief explanation of how my English was close to perfection. minutes passed as we talked about the difference between Indonesia and European culture. between Indonesia's colorful personality and European's classic features, ho the informed me that he was the translator t the Moroccan embassy. what a day!

when the rain falls, i think of you.

how you would hold me as i shiver scared.
how we would drink something warm together at the kitchen table.
the way we would look each other in the eyes, understanding everything words could not explain.

when the rain fall, i think of you. i think of us. i think of the idea of us.

"life is what happens when you plan other things" John Lennon

it really is true. when i was a little girl, i wanted to be a dancer, then a doctor, even an astronaut. now, i don't even know what i wanna do.

i planned my life when i was eight about how i want to live like at sixteen. none of which had came true.

i never planned my parents getting divorced, i never planned them remarrying to other people, i never plan to live half around the world from my brother, i never planned to get another brother at sixteen, i never planned moving across countries, i never planned leaving my friends, i never planned loving someone, and i never planned getting my heart broken. but that was what happened.

now, another event happened without i ever planning it earlier. i fell in love again.

why are there feelings that you cannot explain of? feelings that make you go head over heels listing the pros and cons of one person that in a heartbeat can make all of it unworthy after all? as i once said to a dear friend, "its only called crush cause the truth crashes your heart". but do i really believe in my own words? maybe, i do.

since all the crushes i've had in these past 16years of life have only crashed and burned me.


and so, the question remains..


is it all worth it?

"i wish i was there to tell you not to chase the boys, i wish i was there to hold you when they broke your heart, i wish i was you father." Benjamin Button

Last night i finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. as i watched how he was thrown away by his own father cause of his different figure and was took care by a old persons home care taker. as he rows younger, his loved ones get older one by one and start leaving him.
his story was told by Caroline, daughter of Daisy, who was Benjamin's first and only love. their love are truly inspiring. how she stood by him even until he was a baby and died. it broke her heart when he went away.
and it brought my tears flowing down my face when in the end Caroline that he was her father. not having to ever known my biological father, the postcard brought me to a sensitive spot in my heart.

Dad, wherever you are, know that a young lady is out here wondering if you ever knew i had exist. and wondering too if you did know, why did you ever leave me? not that i am not forever thankful for the fathers i have growing up, and mom that never gave up on me, considering the many fights we ever had.
hopefully when i seek you one day, not to ask for anything other than an explanation.

know that i'll always love you, or at least the idea of you in my mind.

what a wonderful day it has been. i spent 2,5hours at a donuts shop watching my special coffee boy crush run rounds around the place.
normally, people would see this act like a stalker-ish kind of behavior. but in my defense, it was just a normal Saturday night out of two single teenagers looking for a reason to not assassinate couples all around town for being in their lovey-dopey nature. so, is it really that much a crime to watch an adorable busboy?

today, i went to MTA with the other ddlz. we finally found out our oh-so-breath-taking donut waiter's name. MAS KAS aka MUHAMMAD NUR.

don'cha just love it when you've got nothing else to do? I DON'T.

what is it that makes 'em sooo attractive but at the same time soo.. not attractive.
its always a fight with them. either you love 'em or you hate 'em. but at the end of the day, you still dunno what you answer is.

so, whats your answer?

mas pit aka waiter tercinta (alah) ara dudulz telah tertemukan!

okay, maybe i should introduce you to mas pit first.
the info is at www.obatidur.blogspot.com

now, lets cut to the chase.

dia hilang, according to putri ofcourse. us, the dudulz(i'll explain later) are mortified! heartbroken! our oh-so-hot waiter is missing!

this maybe the 100th blog i've made. its just that im looking for the right one to put in my entries :)